Splitting Worthless Hairs

The motorcycle diary

2011-05-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

I ride a motorcycle to work every weekday. It is supposed to be fun, but it is not. A mere short ride of less than 4 kilometers takes about ten to fifteen minutes to cover. Agreed that I am kinda wuss at riding such "dangerous" automobiles. So clearly this ordeal is rather highlighted by my fellow riders and the all of those courteous people I encounter on the road.

Everyday I see several enthusiastic riders who consider the word "yield" as an opportunity, a challenge to prove that their rusty baby has got some mule-power in it. These guys have balls. I just hope they do not have balls of steel though -- considering how they ride on bumpy terrains, the triangle in (their) Bermuda must blush quite a lot later. Oh! and I love the way they turn the knob to max to catch up with the exhaust pipe of the water tanker three meters ahead, and apply the squeaky brakes to show who the real boss of the road is. Boy, with bated breath, I eagerly wait for the uneasy back-rider to throw up on the rider's helmet. I can understand their rush back home in the evening to gobble down the cold home-delivered tiffin (which the cockroaches decided to leave after a few bites), but come on guys what's the hurry to get to the office? You know your manager in not going to leave the office hottie unattended, so why bother?

Ah well, back to the road. My ride back in the evening is all about the shining hep kids behind the wheels. They are there to shine -- to shine their high beams. I wonder if a clockwork-orange-ish solution would teach them a lesson. What if in schools we start teaching that every time you switch on the high-beam lights of your car, you see your parents "doing it" -- just like back on those days you accidentally flip on their bedroom lights. Even if it does not shake their conscience, it may make them more creative, exhibitionist lovers.

"Agree to disagree" vs. "devil's advocate"

2008-11-30T12:08:00.000-08:00

The world is inhabited by a large number of semi-civilized that are completely unaware of the phrase "agree to disagree". This phrase is used by the open-minded citizens of the developed world to avoid any potential conflict by killing the argument in the embryo itself. One popular dictionary suggests the meaning of this phrase as "setting aside irreconcilable differences to maintain a civil dialogue." I am yet to see this definition in practice, though. What I have usually (meaning, every time) seen is more like "I don't care what you are saying -- should we change the topic," which is fine as long as we are talking about Joe-the-plumber's grandma's intentions of flirting with the teenage teller at the coffee shop around the corner. But, if we are having a formal discussion about an issue that, perhaps, affects both of us (Joe-the-plumber and teenage-teller's redneck dad, that is), should one of us run away saying, "OK, we both agree to disagree?"

That is just not fair -- Asok-the-Indian-from-Dilbert-strip was anticipating an entertaining bout in the coffee shop. He is so disappointed. Definitely, not fair. Following his desi demeanor, Asok jumped right into the argument and took Joe's side. He knows neither of the two guys, but he has lots of opinions to share. He does not agree to disagree, he disagrees to agree. His physique and past record suggest that he is a peace-loving guy.

"Then, why disagree?"

Well, he believes in the philosophy that people, at first, speak out statements that are commonly agreed upon (e.g., its good to exercise), which have zero intellectual content. When you engage in a passionate (not necessarily heated) argument, the involved parties might divulge things/beliefs that might add to the other person's knowledge, if not change their opinion. Oh! I forgot they have another phrase for this -- "devil's advocate". That makes Joe-the-plumber or Joe-the-plumber's grandma a devil. Asok did not mean to do that as his religion (religious mythology) does not support an entity called devil. And he has no feelings for lawyers.

Witnessing Asok's ardent vindications from a distance and sipping milk-deprived coffee, Mike (Asok's "friend," an American) commented, "Asok, are you one of those people who never change their opinion?"

Patel-hood or Patel-ing

2008-10-19T10:09:00.000-07:00

Living in denial is one thing I have always denied, and denying the denial of such a realization is pretty hard for me to deny. I think it was the movie "Batman Begins" that encouraged me to deny these denials and "embrace the worst of my fears" i.e. the true self identity of being a Patel-at-heart. As is written in the ancient scriptures -- recently discovered under the ruins of Pateljodaro -- a person is not made Patel, he/she is born Patel. Neither does aab-e-shamsham exist, nor does a magic spell hide in the libraries of Hogwarts that can instill Patelhood in an unworthy soul. It is just a God-given gift (I can unequivocally assert that God is/was/will be a Patel too).

My mind is currently so overwhelmed with the joy of Patelitiousness that I have forgotten the actual description of this stature. Although the English (Oxford, Webster, etc.) dictionary does not have a word to capture its true meaning, there is one word (and its variations with additional adverbs such as "super") that comes close to approximating its meaning and that is "Awesome".

Doubletongued.com made a futile and disgraceful yet pioneering attempt at capturing the essence of Patelhood by (indirectly) describing a prominent characteristic of a Patel -- Patel shot. Pateling (as some call it) is not only about standing in front of an ugly depiction of French promiscuity (read Statue of Liberty) or an architectural disaster that looks like a limping male genitalia (read Leaning Tower of Pisa). Neither is it about capturing on film / in bits poses such as Hercules lifting a giant Redwood tree covered with fecal matter of numerous wild animals, and Obelix standing on the Maid of the Mist and drinking the magic potion composed of hundreds of American- and Canadian- diarrhea (well, unofficial sources confirm that 82.34 percent of it is composed of the droppings of the proud Patel pilgrims).

Pateling is not about all this. It is about a deep cognizance of an unbearable lightness of being and, of course, the heaviness of such lightness. It is about embarrassing yourself in front of other Patels and non-Patels, not only without acknowledging the humiliation, but to take pride in defacing the self. It is more like a well-clad chimp tearing off the raiment to rags and bare off unsightly flesh covered with scattered lumps of hair. Disgusting, isn't it? Not really.

To a fellow female Patel, such a sight is no less than a mating call. The pheromones hidden in the murky armpits (of a male Patel) drive her crazy, making her indulge in similar (seemingly) foolish activities -- posing while kissing a shark inside a water-tank in an aquarium, gulping a setting sun, or holding Eiffel Tower on her palm -- all in the name of her foolhardy love for a Patel. My advice to such ladies -- "Stop doing this! Seriously. Believe me, deep down (both figuratively and literally) a male Patel is still a male. So go back to the desirable pics of hugging and kissing your girl-friends, if you choose to stay PG-13."

PS. Another posting with a categorization of Patels is coming shortly!

Working hard? You must be an Elitist.

2008-10-04T12:50:00.000-07:00

Every time an election occurs, in any part of the world, be it the house painted in an insipid color, or a group of apathetic people deciding on their representative to a position ineffectual in every facet imaginable, the post-election discussion is overwhelmed by opinions such as, "I think she is smarter in general, but he is more suitable for this post." I wonder if that implies that this post requires/deserves an upper bound on the smartness of candidates. And the suitability of such a candidate (for the post in question) is determined through an equally-weighted, majority voting procedure -- called democracy.

Democracy is a wonderful system, not necessarily for selecting an effective government, but, definitely, for introducing connotations to innocuous words such as "elite" and "elitist". When I first saw this word, I thought it referred to the zero-calorie version of electronics (e-lite). After looking in the Oxford American dictionary (Thank you Mac widget!), I found the denotation as "a group of people considered to be the best in a particular society or category esp. because of their power, talent, or wealth." That makes me wonder-- if Anthony is driving like crazy to become the fastest pizza-deliverer, he is an elitist; if Bobby is cleaning the restaurant tables meticulously, she is an elitist; if Chuck can drain down an entire keg of beer in the smallest amount of time, he is an elitist. Even if you are not the best, you might be craving to become one of them, learning new things to become one of them, or simply working hard to become one of them.

So who is not an elitist? I believe, a person who has comprehended the true nature of the human beings and the statistical distribution of their jealousy, envy, and partisanship, and who exploits this knowledge to gather the appropriate democratic support to defeat the "elite" competitor, would be the BEST person to be "not an elitist." Such a system has worked wonders in politics, and I can not contain my joy in acknowledging its presence in scientific and academic communities as well.

So, go home, relax. No need to work hard, just work on your "social" issues.

Hail democracy!

You got problem, I don't.

2008-09-14T08:34:00.000-07:00

Aston: "Do you like gum?"
Bela: "Why do you ask?"
Aston: "Just like that."
Bela: "You can't just ask a stupid question like that."
Aston: "Why does every conversation has to have some intellectual component in it?"
Bela: "'cause that's what conversations are about -- `informal exchange of ideas'"
Aston: "Will you please stop looking in the dictionary for the definitions? You are not being thorough, just being a pain in the butt. What about a quite, pleasant, pointless chit-chat?"
Bela: "You lost me there."
Aston: "Look, you need to realize that there is life outside work; events that are not experiments; and phenomena that need not be scientific."
Bela: "But every time I try, I ran into that atheist Carmen who asks me to those questions."
Aston: "You mean, Danielle -- she is atheist; Carmen is an apatheist."
Bela: "Now, who has the dictionary tugged under his arm."
Aston: "Whatever!"

Bela: "Anyways, how is squash going? Did you find someone?"
Aston: "Yeah, I am playing with Ellie and Fred. George also drops in sometimes." "They are really good players. I need to work hard."
Bela: "Good luck! With all these deadlines ahead, would you really have time to pursue that?"
Aston: "I have to. I really have to."
Bela: "Just don't kill yourself, its just a game."
Aston: "I know."
Bela: "Oh shit! it is already seven. These dance classes and piano lessons are killing me."

Chetan Bhagat

2008-08-17T08:25:00.000-07:00

is awesome! there is no splinter of doubt about it. He gave that awesome speech some time ago, which shows his positive attitude towards life, universe, and everything. To add to his rosy display of honey-dripping optimism, he recently wrote an article for BBC News about future India as a fantasy land -- a little screwed-up fantasy land. It was less of a fantasy and more of an immature kid's -- who has a crush on a typical "developed country" (read American, and not European) lifestyle -- dream about acculturating to a first-world nation.

The visions of Bhagat are stupendous as a whole; but appear more like the aspirations of the French relay team trying to stop Phelps from grabbing eight golds: you may have a body-length lead at a point, but in the end, you are still second. And the reason is simple -- do not put your eyes on somebody's balls (to kick them), rather focus on the fucking sport!!! For Ganesh's sake, do not dream about bringing "Corolla" to every household because people living in some developed country (whichever mystery land you are referring to, Luxembourg?) do that. If you are dreaming, at least dream big.. Hummer, anyone? One billion Toyota Corollas. Up your ass, Al Gore!

Unquestionably, these convenient modes of transportation (remember, one per household) would stop communal riots. Communal riots is so old-school, its not fun anymore. Novelty, my friends, novelty! Think how much fun it would be watching people pelting at each other in crowded traffic or at petrol (gas) stations. Those are not riots, just peaceful demonstrations: "Oh come on! that incident at the X petrol station was merely an accident. Don't you know that petrol is inflammable?"

And by the way, I thought Khushwant Singh would "weigh" (250 lbs?) more than Bhagat, so how come Bhagat is the "biggest"?. Or may be Singh is not "selling".

A drunk call

2008-08-15T07:53:00.000-07:00

I am not kidding, some of my friends are really this smart.

This person called me really late at night sometime in March thinking it is New Year's eve, Yes! thats true.

"have a .. hick.. happy happy.. oh my god, did I just step in poo,
anyways, what was I saying.. hick.. oh I mean.. have a ... hick.. oh man
this is hard.. happy.. hick.. new year ... hmm another drunk year gone..
who the hell spilled this bloody Mary on me.. watch it, you moron.. I
need another shot.. hey you.. get me a .. hick... what was I drinking..
they say you should not mix 'em.. but you know.. hick..
it is really hard to.. hick, remember what was in the glass.. hick..
when you can not even remember which glass was yours.. he he ..
giggle.. that was damn funny, wasn't it? you don't think it was.
whatever.. this is getting totally .. hick.. out of control.. I have not
moved from this couch for the last half an hour.. last time I did .. my
shirt betrayed me, the bartender found it hanging at on the bar stool,
and I was thinking I was sitting in front of the cooler.
what the hell is happening, why are you not saying anything? why am I
holding my sandal next to my ear? $#!t where is my phone?
somebody ... pls..."

Water is for idiots; drink Hydrogen-ol.

2008-07-31T10:19:00.000-07:00

It was one of those aimless wanderings on the much-trodden paths of the Internet(s, as Georgy would call 'em). Just like a rain-forest: the significance of self lost in the magnificence of the being, chaos of detail amid camouflaged deception, and the incessant rain of ads/pop-ups making every step heavier with time. Thankfully, no quicksand. Anyways, the meandering of the perendinating mind paused at a posting comparing Hollywood and Bollywood for their productions, revenues, and suchlike aspects. Although the text sounded authoritative, the figures should have been read with a lump (as opposed to grain) of salt.

"Goddamn it! this wikipedia-trusting brain."
"How many times do I have to stand in front of the mirror and tell myself that the elephant population did not triple itself in the last ten years, even if wikipedia says so?"
"May be a few more times."

So the figures suggested that Bollywood is older than Hollywood, produces nearly twice as many movies, and has more viewer-ship than its counterpart (with 1.1 billion people in India, DUH!).

Anyways, coming to the most interesting part of any online article: the readers' comments. These comments provide an opportunity for all the perverts and/or introverts to show their macho-ism and speak boldly on a stage created by themselves in front of millions of ... NO ONEs. Well, not necessarily serious or, in other words, intended, these comments do draw audience from the wasteful minds hungry for asinine entertainment.

It is always amusing to observe people fighting over THE truth about who has more fans: Shah Rukh Khan, or Brad Pitt?. Oh, and all that endless lambasting of Bollywood for producing iconic movies such as Boom and Tashan; it does not get any better. So what are the answers?

People who sit in the theaters laughing there asses off at cheap, sexual humor or getting the chills from crappy and sappy mainstream flicks are -- honestly speaking -- just stupid. I mean, come on, you can not just enjoy your time. You should analyze a joke before relaxing your neurons and put that hard-earned smile on your face. Seriously, guffaws in public places should be banned, at the least.

Give me a break. Behave!

Unless a movie touches one of the deepest human emotions, it is not worth watching. Did I say emotion? ... well, happy, inspired, energized, naughty, etc. are not the moods that we really care for.. it has to be one of those deep ones that make you sad, depressed, sick, and pale, if not suicidal or hate the human nature.

A two-hour movie has to be a food for thought -- an exercise that increases your mental metabolism not for one day but for the whole week. It is not like a cardiovascular workout that keeps you in good shape, it has to make you gain muscle. Not that I am insinuating at any disaffection of cardio being evident on the exteriors of these "smart", "civilized", and "intellectual" people.

But, are these two perspectives really different? Or just that some brains are tuned to recognize Hydrogen-ol to be superior to water?

Randy Pausch

2008-07-29T11:53:00.000-07:00

With all due respect, Sir, I have to tell you that you are giving the wrong advice to people.

"Fulfill your childhood dream."

I don't know about others, but my childhood dreams would almost always involve eating all the time and sometimes, for a change, kick some asses of skeletons dancing around. Not that I had a rough childhood or something of that sort, its just the ideology of doing what is the most enjoyable. Unless I try to dig up Freudian references, the obvious interpretation of these dreams is "eat all the time, and sometimes, for a change, kick some skeleton asses (Ouch! it hurts)."

You got to be kidding there. I mean, come on! Are most of the American kids not doing that already? With the community of obese American kids approaching, if not outnumbering, the number of tonnes of glacial ice remaining on the planet, "Surely you're joking, Mr. Pausch!"

If not referring to the eating habits, I believe you are not at all referring to the childhood wet dreams, as again there is no dearth of humans pursuing those dreams. Thanks to Hugh Heffner for actually putting those dreams in the creative minds and inspiring the literary brains to pursue Indian sculptures for higher studies.

Entertaining the possibility that a reference to the above two is not intended and/or implied in the popular "last lecture", it is not clear how to identify which dreams are worth pursuing and which ones are to be wiped clean. Furthermore, if such a distinction is to be made, then the whole idea of pursuing the dreams falters.

I suppose the talk is intended for the people who can dream big (while carefully avoiding a reference to Larry Flynt's flamboyant implications). And the only way to find that out is by having those dreams and obtaining the "measures" in the dreams, and subsequently evaluating your "potential" at its peak, followed by a comparison of the these measures. If the potential is unmatched, you pursue the dream and make history. And if not, please don't embarrass yourself!

Inaugural speech by Chetan Bhagat: Not Bad

2008-07-23T08:25:00.000-07:00

Although the speech has a dominating Indian subtext, the thoughts are fairly universal. The tone is very inspiring without betraying pragmatism at any point. Agreed, his first novel "Five Point Something" was miserable, but this speech is total kick-ass with a very high "forwardability".

And all you no-plagiarism fudge-lovers, due to the lack of a proper reference to cite, the following is a vanilla cut-and-paste from an e-mail.

Inaugural Speech by Chetan Bhagat for the new batch at the Symbiosis BBA program 2008

Good Morning everyone and thank you for giving me this chance to speak to you. This day is about you. You, who have come to this college, leaving the comfort of your homes (or in some cases discomfort), to become something in your life. I am sure you are excited. There are few days in human life when one is truly elated. The first day in college is one of them. When you were getting ready today, you felt a tingling in your stomach. What would the auditorium be like, what would the teachers be like, who are my new classmates - there is so much to be curious about. I call this excitement, the spark within you that makes you feel truly alive today. Today I am going to talk about keeping the spark shining. Or to put it another way, how to be happy most, if not all the time.

Where do these sparks start? I think we are born with them. My 3-year old twin boys have a million sparks. A little Spiderman toy can make them jump on the bed. They get thrills from creaky swings in the park. A story from daddy gets them excited. They do a daily countdown for birthday party several months in advance just for the day they will cut their own birthday cake.

I see students like you, and I still see some sparks. But when I see older people, the spark is difficult to find. That means as we age, the spark fades. People whose spark has faded too much are dull, dejected, aimless and bitter. Remember Kareena in the first half of Jab We Met vs the second half? That is what happens when the spark is lost. So how to save the spark?

Imagine the spark to be a lamp’s flame. The first aspect is nurturing – to give your spark the fuel, continuously. The second is to guard against storms.

To nurture, always have goals. It is human nature to strive, improve and achieve full potential. In fact, that is success. It is what is possible for you. It isn’t any external measure - a certain cost to company pay package, a particular car or house.

Most of us are from middle class families. To us, having material landmarks is success and rightly so. When you have grown up where money constraints force everyday choices, financial freedom is a big achievement.

But it isn’t the purpose of life. If that was the case, Mr Ambani would not show up for work. Shah Rukh Khan would stay at home and not dance anymore. Steve Jobs won’t be working hard to make a better iPhone, as he sold Pixar for billions of dollars already. Why do they do it? What makes them come to work everyday? They do it because it makes them happy. They do it because it makes them feel alive. Just getting better from current levels feels good. If you study hard, you can improve your rank. If you make an effort to interact with people, you will do better in interviews. If you practice, your cricket will get better. You may also know that you cannot become Tendulkar, yet. But you can get to the next level. Striving for that next level is important.

Nature designed with a random set of genes and circumstances in which we were born. To be happy, we have to accept it and make the most of nature’s design. Are you? Goals will help you do that.

I must add, don’t just have career or academic goals. Set goals to give you a balanced, successful life. I use the word balanced before successful. Balanced means ensuring your health, relationships, mental peace are all in good order.

There is no point of getting a promotion on the day of your breakup. There is no fun in driving a car if your back hurts. Shopping is not enjoyable if your mind is full of tensions.

You must have read some quotes - Life is a tough race, it is a marathon or whatever. No, from what I have seen so far, life is one of those races in nursery school. Where you have to run with a marble in a spoon kept in your mouth. If the marble falls, there is no point coming first. Same with life, where health and relationships are the marble. Your striving is only worth it if there is harmony in your life. Else, you may achieve the success, but this spark, this feeling of being excited and alive, will start to die.

One last thing about nurturing the spark - don’t take life seriously. One of my yoga teachers used to make students laugh during classes. One student asked him if these jokes would take away something from the yoga practice. The teacher said - don’t be serious, be sincere. This quote has defined my work ever since. Whether its my writing, my job, my relationships or any of my goals. I get thousands of opinions on my writing everyday. There is heaps of praise, there is intense criticism. If I take it all seriously, how will I write? Or rather, how will I live? Life is not to be taken seriously, as we are really temporary here. We are like a pre-paid card with limited validity. If we are lucky, we may last another 50 years. And 50 years is just 2,500 weekends. Do we really need to get so worked up? It’s ok, bunk a few classes, goof up a few interviews, fall in love. We are people, not programmed devices.

I’ve told you three things - reasonable goals, balance and not taking it too seriously that will nurture the spark. However, there are four storms in life that will threaten to completely put out the flame. These must be guarded against. These are disappointment, frustration, unfairness and loneliness of purpose.

Disappointment will come when your effort does not give you the expected return. If things don’t go as planned or if you face failure. Failure is extremely difficult to handle, but those that do come out stronger. What did this failure teach me? is the question you will need to ask. You will feel miserable. You will want to quit, like I wanted to when nine publishers rejected my first book. Some IITians kill themselves over low grades how silly is that? But that is how much failure can hurt you.

But it’s life. If challenges could always be overcome, they would cease to be a challenge. And remember - if you are failing at something, that means you are at your limit or potential. And that’s where you want to be.

Disappointment’s cousin is frustration, the second storm. Have you ever been frustrated? It happens when things are stuck. This is especially relevant in India. From traffic jams to getting that job you deserve, sometimes things take so long that you don’t know if you chose the right goal. After books, I set the goal of writing for Bollywood, as I thought they needed writers. I am called extremely lucky, but it took me five years to get close to a release.

Frustration saps excitement, and turns your initial energy into something negative, making you a bitter person. How did I deal with it? A realistic assessment of the time involved movies take a long time to make even though they are watched quickly, seeking a certain enjoyment in the process rather than the end result at least I was learning how to write scripts, having a side plan I had my third book to write and even something as simple as pleasurable distractions in your life - friends, food, travel can help you overcome it. Remember, nothing is to be taken seriously. Frustration is a sign somewhere, you took it too seriously.

Unfairness - this is hardest to deal with, but unfortunately that is how our country works. People with connections, rich dads, beautiful faces, pedigree find it easier to make it not just in Bollywood, but everywhere. And sometimes it is just plain luck. There are so few opportunities in India, so many stars need to be aligned for you to make it happen. Merit and hard work is not always linked to achievement in the short term, but the long term correlation is high, and ultimately things do work out. But realize, there will be some people luckier than you.

In fact, to have an opportunity to go to college and understand this speech in English means you are pretty darn lucky by Indian standards. Let’s be grateful for what we have and get the strength to accept what we don’t. I have so much love from my readers that other writers cannot even imagine it. However, I don’t get literary praise. It’s ok. I don’t look like Aishwarya Rai, but I have two boys who think I am more beautiful than her. It’s ok. Don’t let unfairness kill your spark.

Finally, the last point that can kill your spark is isolation. As you grow older you will realize you are unique. When you are little, all kids want Ice cream and Spiderman. As you grow older to college, you still are a lot like your friends. But ten years later and you realize you are unique. What you want, what you believe in, what makes you feel, may be different from even the people closest to you. This can create conflict as your goals may not match with others. . And you may drop some of them. Basketball captains in college invariably stop playing basketball by the time they have their second child. They give up something that meant so much to them. They do it for their family. But in doing that, the spark dies. Never, ever make that compromise. Love yourself first, and then others.

There you go. I’ve told you the four thunderstorms - disappointment, frustration, unfairness and isolation. You cannot avoid them, as like the monsoon they will come into your life at regular intervals. You just need to keep the raincoat handy to not let the spark die.

I welcome you again to the most wonderful years of your life. If someone gave me the choice to go back in time, I will surely choose college. But I also hope that ten years later as well, you eyes will shine the same way as they do today. That you will Keep the Spark alive, not only through college, but through the next 2,500 weekends. And I hope not just you, but my whole country will keep that spark alive, as we really need it now more than any moment in history. And there is something cool about saying – I come from the land of a billion sparks.

An egalitarian society

2008-06-11T12:36:00.000-07:00

"America is an egalitarian country, where everyone treats others with a lot of respect," observes a person fresh off the boat from a long trip across the pacific. Elaborating further in a comforting tone, he adds, "Everyone holds the door for the person following him/her. Every passers by is greeted with a broad, contagious smile. You go out on a hike and the fellow stranger hikers are all friendly and helpful." "And their dogs no shout, no byte, no eat. Them so adorable," adds his smug wife in a thickly accentuated adaptation of a language surprisingly similar to English.

Such conversations are not uncommon to observe; they are ubiquitous. Assuming even a slightest truth in these widespread convictions about the American society, one tends to belief this society as a social utopia. Well, that might be a stretch with all those allegations about racism, xenophobia, and suchlike hypothetical scenarios, particularly in a community above par in terms of affluence and education. Imagine the settings of a tiny college town with ninety percent population comprising of students, faculty, staff, and their families. Although the students may not really be addressed as financially better off than the average Joe, but still have better prospects, nevertheless. The point is that an assumption of a minimal social etiquettes and human respect would not be completely ridiculous.

"So what is this minimal set? I am sure the standards are better than those in my native country and my neighbor's native country or my native country's neighbor or my neighbor's native country's neighbor and other permutations and combinations," inquires the same old chap, who is sporting a McDonald-ey "I am lovin' it" smile.

Thus goes the conversation between some workaholic, international graduate students waiting at a bus stop. The bus arrives about two minutes late. Everyone looks pissed: the Indians, for not having enough time to ogle at the "bus-stop beauties", the Chinese, for seeing only fifty percent of them in the crowd and thus losing majority, and the Europeans, "ditsh bus ict 120 shekends late"; the only blank faces being American. Among the four people sitting in the front seats -- that are reserved for handicapped and elderly -- are a guy in the gym shorts, a blond girl with a coffee mug, an unshaven nerdy dude in shabby attire: all of them staring in the void, and holding armor against every possible foe that attempts at peeking in their hearts. Oh, and the fourth one is an international student, who hurt his knee enough to prefer sitting and is reading a book to avoid being carried away with the depressing, insipid environment. Another person hops into the bus and suddenly a couple of these dead faces come to life with a little chit-chat with enthusiasm that lasts for like five shekends; Dirac would be so proud of his delta function, now.

The bus makes another stop to pick up an old lady pushing a perambulator with a cute kid with squinty Oriental eyes. From the prior probabilities associated with the correlation between age and pregnancies and a lack of the display of age progression in the bamboo drinking civilizations (so if you do have wrinkles you should have seen at least one of the world wars), it could be inferred that she was that kid's grandmother.

All the "reserved" seats in this bus were already occupied. The occupants showed a common display of adoration of the "cutatiousnes", "cutacity", or simply cuteness of the kid, and continued warming the seats. The bus starts to move causing clear discomfort to the grandma and the baby as the pram makes Brownian motion and the old lady makes transitions from the state of struggling to stand straight to anchoring the pram in the corner, putting Cirque du Soleil artists to shame.

All this is being witnessed by the educated, relatively well-off members of this utopic society. No help was offered, even when the reservation policy for the front seats is sort of violated. Who cares? First, she is not technically handicap and she might not be above sixty or something to qualify for an elderly. Second, and most importantly, there is really no one to enforce this rule anyways. So she swivels with every slight turn the bus makes. And nobody cares. Not exactly everyone. The temporarily handicapped looks at the athletic, muscular guy in the gym shorts and observes no response. The hand holding the coffee mug is moved to the lips in an unaffected fashion, and the glasses on the nerdy guy's nose stays at the same awkward position. The next thing happens is he closes his book and pursues the old lady to take his seat while he struggles to stand straight in the place previously occupied by the old lady.

At the destined stop in the University, this limping guy says to the happy immigrant, "Yes, America is an egalitarian society - a society OF the equals."

Graduate School vs. Business School

2008-05-25T09:10:00.000-07:00

Yet again, my friends were lambasting business school for teaching nothing but BS, and that the graduate school is such an awesome learning experience. So I thought why not pen down some logical comparisons. But before we do this, it is important to identify exactly what is meant by graduate school - masters, or doctoral studies? The most relevant difference between these two types is the typical time it takes to graduate; both of them being on the two ends of the scale of perseverance or, as some may be eager to point out, sensibility. Well, there is some difference about research, learning, and all that jazz, but that is too insignificant to be worth including in this discussion. Technically, business school is also graduate school, but all of us, nonetheless, want to show that one is inferior than the other, and hence the distinction. Apparently, the beasts graduating from these jungles develop completely different hunting and mate-procuring skills.

A person with a masters degree draws inspiration from a cheetah, i.e., "go for the kill", "cool, dandy looks", etc. But in the absence of these characteristics that are highly desirable to, effectively and eventually, get laid, the best they could do is subscribe to the shockingly ugly yet wannabe cool pack of hyenas. Though these small, hideous, and grotesque creatures may have evolved into very efficient hunters (read coders), when it comes to attracting the womanly creatures, their stinking prey (read BMW) is best acknowledged as a scavenging booty. Following the rejection from desirable females, they put their Armani apparel back in the closet and populate their affluent condos with dimwitted, Gucci-wearing, mediocre partners, and get lost forever in the herd of sheep.

Doctoral graduates, or PhDs (pee-hatch-dees), on the other hand, come in various flavors of laziness, pessimism, and depression: the most optimistic belonging to the "Crane" genre. With endless time to kill, the members of this elite genre stand up still in the water -- on one leg, just to look fancy -- waiting for that dumb aquatic being to stop by and wonder, "Is this the stairway to heaven?". And, voila!, here is the meager prize for all that hard work and meditation. Well, in reality, it is neither hard work nor meditation. Or may be it is, if one is insistent on calling laziness to put one leg down after scratching the base as hard work, and falling asleep doing that as meditation; go, suit yourself. Another related, and perhaps, most populated, genre is that of sloth; the name gives away all the "secret" characteristics, anyways. As for their food habits, their post- and hyper-genetic mutations and permutations have resulted in an advanced ability to ingest anything and everything. These observations have led to a recent increase in the suicide rates in pig, vulture, and jackal communities across the globe. Surprisingly, with their panda like coochy-coochy, innocuous appearance and wide-spread rumors about their musk pockets, an alliance with an uber-hottie female (of their choice, unfortunately) is guaranteed for every PhD-degree holder. Or at least, this hope keeps them happy.

Business school graduates -- that just makes me shiver the same way I do when I spot a grizzly in the wild. They are big. They look nice. It is really hard to comment on their smell because they are always protected with that heavy exterior; Do they even take it off at night? People get to take lots and lots of photos when they successfully hunt one? They are dangerous in the bright day and at the murky night, in the cold winter and in the blossoming spring. And you can outrun them on a downward slope, though it is really hard to recognize one in a chase. They nibble on anything that comes their way. They are not many in number and can only be seen at high altitude (of concrete, perhaps), which makes an imbalance between their demand and supply, particularly for the wannabe spouses. Even the females from other species don fur coats, scarves, and what you have and approach these high elevations with a desire to share their bonanza. It is unclear what criteria these grand creatures use to select the bearers of their offspring, but, dammit, they have all the options.

So, it looks like, the three degrees: MS, PhD, and MBA, do have significant differences in the characters they build. One might wonder what characteristics the cross-links between these species would possess. Empirical studies have shown that the MS degree does not add up nothing to PhD or MBA; PhD kills the enthusiasm, and MBA obliterates the kindness. A combination of PhD and MBA, however, appears to be a lethal one. It would be like a lion - king of the jungle. The only three things you do everyday are: eat, sleep, and make love. You know you will get multiple lionesses, and even better, they will procure meals for you. You are feared. You are respected. Oh yes! you just need to protect your pride, and you are all set.

Axiomatic existence

2008-05-03T17:06:00.000-07:00

Would it make sense to have a shorter word for procrastination? I guess not. The sole purpose of procrastination is to postpone whatever a person is doing at the moment. The longer the delay, the more successful the procrastination is. Anyways, the word procrastination made me procrastinate yet again, and hence is preventing me to come to main topic, religion. The above explanation is related to the context as I am writing about a discussion I just had with my colleagues on religion, while procrastinating (as always, duh! ).

OK, so the discussion was about religion.

I had a feeling -- and only a feeling, no thinking and no guessing, all from the bottom of the urging place -- that religion is about beliefs; miracles and praying is just a custom for the people who may have a hard time identifying or focusing on their beliefs. The English definition of the term religion, on the contrary, suggests that it is about the belief or worship of one or more super-natural being as the controlling power. So I guess, this western definition is pretty screwed up. No wonder, there are armies of Atheist denouncing their religion in the hemisphere (of the Earth) that does not have erotic paintings on a temple's walls.

I thought it is more about explaining the inexplicable using some set of axioms or conjecture. Did I just obfuscated the previous sentence with somewhat convoluted terms to demonstrate my smartness? May be, I did. Or may be, I do not have simple words to elaborate on this issues. So I guess, Bush, Arjun Singh, Tom Cruise, and the likes, the sermon is over for you guys. Go back to your prayers.

I always tried to draw parallels between religion and science (and of course, I am not the only or the pioneer fool in this blasphemous territory). To me, for every scientific phenomena, there is a level of detail that I believe (or trust) and there are some that I could/would derive from those basic beliefs, or a set of axioms and conjectures for the mathematical minds. I do not care how that collection of beliefs came into existence; I think, I just trust those books or science to provide a justification. As do others, I often console myself for this part of negligence by claiming that there, in fact, do exist logical proofs for all of these, without actually verifying these claims (I know we have so little time to waste by looking into everything). For example, everybody knows that there is this cool "theory of relativity" (well, not everybody but I am assuming if somebody actually reads this article then there is a fair chance that he or she or it may have heard of it). But how many of "us" actually know about it? How many believe it? and, how many have actually verified its correctness? By now, we have lost everyone. Of course, the person who, in reality, was counted in all the three above-mentioned how-many's is not wasting any time reading this post. So the conclusion is: even in science, we believe in certain concepts as true.

I know, Mr. I-will-argue-about-everything and Ms. I-dont-give-a-crap-about-religion would zealously raise their hand from the back bench to say, "but most of these concepts are verifiable."

"Well, they are verifiable for a reason that they are rather simple."
"Do you exist?" "Explain that, you crazy Albert."

There are set of axioms in science. My notion is that religion also has a similar starting collection. The problem is that there is a big confusion about the inclusion of prevalent traditions/cultures as part of religion. Most people only see the traditions as religion, and when they could not explain these "weird" traditions with their notion of logic, they reject it as a valid hypothesis. So is it really a problem with the hypothesis that a (any) religion being sensible or is the set of basic beliefs that these "scientists" postulate fallible?

Multi-lingual punies

2008-04-26T17:17:00.000-07:00

I love the conversations where people are courteous enough to give others a chance to infer the words from their actions as opposed to that over-use of ears and the cochlea. Speaking in a language common to everyone is just an asinine idea for any conversation. Who cares if everyone is enjoying the time equally? I mean, the people who could understand the language being spoken would not have the fun of solving the mystery of a funny situation, and hence miss the fun. In other words, if you hear it, you get it; if you don't, you stand there dumbfounded, but at the end, well, still stand there dumbfounded. And the pleasure quadruples when there are two such parallel conversations going on in a group. Boy, that is what I call "two birds without a bullet".

If you are the latter, you wonder, "what the hell is wrong in this situation ?"
"Nothing."
Then you think, "what the hell is wrong with these people?"
"Nothing."
You realize you are completely lost. "what in the stinky hell am I thinking?"

Finally, you conclude that it is not their fault.
"How could they give up their mother-tongue for something as inferior as social courtesy? "
That would be so unpatriotic and non-nationalist. Of course, the antithesis is entirely justified when done to advance in career.

And I was thinking of these people as puny and retarded? How inconsiderate?

love => vulnerabilities

2008-04-19T06:36:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine once postulated a hypothesis that love is all about going all-in, as they say in a poker game. In other words, the state of being in love is when you are not afraid to be super-duper vulnerable about something, anything, and everything while in the company of that other person. Well, his statement does not require that person to be necessarily different from the self. But for the sake of simplicity, we will assume that there are at least two persons involved in this so-called relationship. The first assumption here is that the person in question has the ability of being vulnerable, which is simply untrue for most of the people I know. Oh, well, if being vulnerable, in some sense, means being miserable or having the ability to make a grand fool out of own actions, then I am sure I will have a hard time eliminating my acquaintances from the list, and even worse, they will all claim the jackpot. Anyways, I believe what my friend perhaps did not mean was that love gives you courage to leave your hesitations and worries about expressing the inner thoughts to someone you trust not to hurt your feelings in any possible way. Instead, what he actually meant was that people who fall in love are, in the first place, the people who can not control their emotions and need a source to vent it out. So they find this person to take off the load off their body (and claim that it is mind). In other words, these are the people who can not take care of themselves.

I have no idea what I just wrote while sitting on my toilet seat. I believe I am just defecating in public, and that makes me feel stark naked. Oh! so that is what love is about -- stripping off clothes and getting naked.

Why Obama should win?

2008-04-15T08:20:00.001-07:00

The greatest newspaper of all times and across the globe -- Times of India -- just reported on a dumb-ass's -- some call him Arjun Singh though he has the characteristics of neither Arjun nor a Singh -- nomination of Rahul Gandhi as Indian National Congress's next candidate for the Prime Minister of India.

WOW, simply WOW !! Some people have balls, and some have balls of steel. I am confused about this chump. Does he have real balls to do all this, or he simply does not have any so that nobody can kick him in his nuts. He puts forward every possible measure to pull India back from being a sensible, honest, democratic, meritocratic, fair, and competitive country.

I am sure his recent achievements of imposing OBC reservations in IITs and IIMs must have received huge accolades from anybody and everybody who wants to see India go down the drain -- both sewer and brain-drain. The quota issue for higher education in India is not only a set-back in maintaining the quality of education in these institutes, but also it is creating doubts in the minds of alumni of these institutes to send their descendants to study there. Furthermore, the PhDs who wish to go back to these institutes to teach are reconsidering their decisions as the lure of guiding the brightest minds is ironically transitioning towards shepherding the masses.

Coming back to the Indian politics, Rahul Gandhi's nomination will prove the Indian democracy as a complete farce at the highest level. Moreover, the growing detachment of the educated youth with the political and social issues will worsen. Soon, there will be an unwritten split in India: the educated-and-rich and the powerful-goons; none of which would care about the society. The only agreement between the two would be about a disagreement with the other. It is entirely in the interest of the sycophantic and selfish people such as the current hon'ble HRD minister to ensure this bi-partition come true as they would definitely be making merry.

This is the reason why I wish Obama wins this U.S. presidential election, as that might help the U.S.-inspired generations in India realize the potential of fostering the concept of "land of opportunities" in India too.

Advertisements: American vs. Indian

2008-04-13T12:31:00.000-07:00

Time to lash American media (other than Fox, which is getting more than its share from the rest of the American media. Now that I think about it, I just don't care about the media, so lets focus on the entertainment part of the TV media (I do not read newspapers so TV is the media for me). Also, since I only watch comedy series on TV, entertainment (and not news) is the further specialization of my definition. Anyways, getting back to the good part, i.e., criticism. The comedy series are pretty good here because they can become (R)-rated sans any effort. Look at comedy central, its neither the sarcasm and nor the talent norther the content, it is the sheer usage of profanities and obscenities that make it enjoyable by the masses. It provides normal people some characters to identify with and lower-esteemed get figures to idolize. To be clear, for some Eric Cartman is GOD, and for some its just like watching like their true personality on TV with no stupid rules to work around.

I guess I started writing this posting in the hope of lambasting the Bob's furniture ads, or the super-dumb, ultra-gay Burger King. I apologize for overestimating the intellectual level of an average American; I thank these ADs for correcting me. I wonder if it is a true reflection of the audience's smartness index, or is it that the advertising folks for the American media are, in fact, retarded. It is simultaneously very hard and super easy to believe either of the two. Even both of them in conjunction may not be improbable as well. Anyways, the point is the ADs are really bad here. The only good they do is make you feel good about yourself. The ADs in India, on the other hand, often generate a general sense of dissatisfaction for the viewer. Remember that AD about some underwear - Rupa ? - when the guy jumps off the roof wearing briefs and flying gown to save this damsel from a goon. Dude, that is some serious stunt. I mean, that guy is not wearing any supporters or anything. Boy, that landing on ground must have hurt his balls really bad. Nevertheless, the chick was way hotter than what you see on the street, in the malls, or at theaters. And definitely, YOU would not get her by showing off your package in your first meeting. Such an achievement requires a dandy guy and not a muffin-top, jaundice-faced dork like you. And hence the discontentment.

Fictional audience

2008-04-12T11:07:00.000-07:00

From my past experience with blogging, I know how hard it is to start a blog. You are looking for that perfect topic which would be so influential to your own thought process, or to be more honest, would make people visit your blog, and in turn satiate your A-D-D tendencies. Nevertheless, what people like me do not realize that is that the sole purpose of the blog is not to get an audience, rather to just pretend that you have an audience, and to have a false feeling that your super-awesome thoughts are heard and appreciated. If you really care for an audience, you would have gone out and socialized in the real world. Many of you, fictional readers, may have already attained an enlightenment that such audience always sucks. I am not making this observation without a critical evaluation of this situation; believe me, it is all logical. First, the people comprising such an audience are dumb enough to pay heed to your incoherent, meaningless blabbering. Second, in case they have a few neurons escaping the harrowing death caused by the sheer existence of their disgusting self, they might agree and nod their head in agreement, or try to prove their ignorance and ineptitude by trying to disagree and, even worse, argue. In the first scenario, you are not getting anything out of them. Who needs an army of dimwitted morons as followers? Well, in fact, most of us do, but lets play the usual hypocrite self here. In the second case, do you really want to waste your energy and time to show the non-receptive minds the right way? Remember, these are the same people who violated the social norms of respecting other opinions by showing their candid dissent to my thoughts, in the first place.

Inception, naming, and intent

2008-04-11T07:37:00.000-07:00

Finally, I decided to start writing about something, anything, and everything with no particular focus and no specific goal in mind. My first blog was basically my online research notebook. I am surprised by the number of visitors there (Yes, I confess I use Google analytics and I do look at the numbers once a month ... OK, more than once.. ). And another blog was mostly an attempt to counter the arguments of highly unreasonable supporters of reservation in higher education in India. As predicted, it exceeded my expectations in failing to succeed in doing so. Interestingly, I ended up annoying more people than usual, and the set of people wanting to drink my blood has increased like never before. The positive aspect is I have more people care about me now. The required qualifier(s) for the word "care" is(are) intentionally dropped to make the morons and illiterates more confused than they already are. Anyways, back to the induction of this blog in the abysmal depth of the internet. I am currently reading David Sedaris, and am having a blast with it. It triggered in me my innate desire to blabber about anything or everything, and that too openly. I thought "Splitting hairs" would make a good title for this blog. Obviously this world is full of people who think they are competent enough to do that; unfortunately they underestimate their real potential at sucking at this job. Yes Anna, I am talking about you. But the good thing about this is that I can make the title a little nasty and acrimonious, which probably suites its true intent.